Blerrrg. That is the title.

It seems that once again instead of getting down to some serious chemistry revision i am devising conspiracy theories about rapid marmosets (i have decided marmosets are evil just so you know) and contemplating the awesomeness of dinosaurs who wear monocles. I have worked through all my notes several times and now realise why i should have spent the last two years of chemistry lessons working instead of plotting the demise of my chemistry teacher, passing notes with Imogen and Zoe about things such as giraffe sex/Zoe’s love life/our chemistry teachers love life (fortunately, never a combination of all three), leaving bitter comments in my chemistry book and copying any work off Hannah.

Fortunately all other exams seem to have gone pretty much okay- i actually managed to work Star Trek into my french writing exam because going to the cinema is easy to write about (sorry Jess: i might have written that you are my tall best friend who likes James Kirk because he is strong and handsome. I apparently love swimming and when i am hungry like a wolf i eat three, yes three, sandwiches when we have picnics). That is probably not as bad when i managed to include orange shirts and brown elf shoes into my year 8 french writing exam. Other exams…not much to report they are exams. I did get “Cold Ethyl” stuck in my head during History today, but replaced “Ethyl” with Lenin. This meant i was stuck wondering what would happen if i did happen to meet Lenin last night and we made love by the refrigerator light. Is Lenin frigid as an eskimo pie? Presumably, Lenin ought to be cool in bed because Lenin is dead. Ohhhh Lenin, Lenin let my squeeze you in my arms! Lenin, Lenin come and freeze me with your charms! So on and so forth. (did i ever mention Cold Ethyl is my favourite song about necrophilia? Not like it has much competition…apart from other Alice Cooper songs…)

On a non-creepy note: this is a reminder to myself and Suga that i owe Suga cake at some point. Suga made a group on facebook in support of my blog (finally! the fame i deserve!) (…i feel compelled to point out it only has five members. Divya is more appreciated than i am. But then again, Divya is an awesometacular person who turned 16 yesterday- well done Divya! We never thought you could make it this far!). Thank you again, it really cheered me up particularly because obviously exams have made me go slightly insane and unable to have normal conversations.

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Lost in Textbooks

I’m on holiday. Holiday. It is actually ridiculous how much time i am wasting pretending to revise (okay- i did some actual chemistry revision today because that was my worst mock result because my amazing, wonderful, patient and kind friend Hannah has done all my work for me throughout pretty much the entire two year course). I am reading What is the What by Dave Eggerswhich is actually so amazing and painful and is informingme about what happened in Sudanese Civil War (which i know very little about) and i think that learning about human suffering in the modern world is much more important than the things my chemistry book tells me when it is trying to relate chemistry to everyday life (like omfg! by turning up the heat when cookingfood i am increasing the rate at which chemical reactions are occurring!?!?). It’s almost as bad as our physics textbook which is a most depressing read, and i quote: “next time you look at the stars, remember the Universe is now mostly cold and dark” and “Now we accept that Earth is an insignificant planet orbitingone of the countless stars in one of the countless galaxies in the Universe”. Thank you textbook, thank you for beingso reassuring(its worse reading these things with Alice Cooper wailing “one down, one to go just another bullet in the chamber…” in my ear. It is such a depressing song! why are you in love with this cheating whore bitch Alice?!). Okay- I’ll end this rant with a quote from the biology textbook which cheers me up: “deers may look cute and cuddly- but they kill trees!”.

Aside from that i have been amusing myself by playing The Sims. Specifically by making Alice Cooper on The Sims which is quite amusing because the woman he is living with died in a fire (cue: House of Fire!) and turned into a zombie, as i have Sims Superstar he has won some music awards (he is currently Number 9- Player Alice Cooper on the “Who’sHot” list), has creepy fans outside his house and just produced a rock music video and i also have Sims: Makin Magic which gives him sexy, satanic powers. Yes, i am actually just that bored. (oh, by the way my new favourite Alice Cooper lyrics is “If I’m too rough tell me/I’m so scared your little head might come off in my hands”. Actually, you could just pick any line from that song. “Rubber little lady, slicker than a weasel…”  .  I only have a live version, so listening to the studio version is really weird. I can’t tell which versions i prefer- the live version sounds better, but the studio version is simply hilarious because of what sounds like various attempts at a British accent. Oh Alice. *shakes head*).

(Oh okay whilst we are talking about Alice: the title is a reference to the song Lost in America because it sums up…something with the lyrics “Well, I live at the 7-11/ Well, I’m tryin’ to play this guitar/Well, I’m learning “Stairway to Heaven”/Cuz Heaven’s where you are”. Not like those are meaningful lyrics but that is kind of the point. Aimless teenage activities and being stuck in stupid cycles…only obviously i don’t need a gun to go to school…)

Oh, i did go out with Imogen on tuesday and we went around town, took some photos (for a secret nerdfighter project. so i wont elaborate). Otherwise i am not going out until Fia’s birthday party- which by default makes it The Hottest Party this Easter! hell yeah! Well, even if there were more parties, fia’s will be especially  awesome anyway because we are bowling and watching 80s movies! But it seems like aaages away. I have just been reading, sims-ing, watching Grey’s Anatomy (since when did it get so dark!? no one is happy anymore 😦 ) and drinking far too many cups of tea. (it is not good when i get this bored. I start thinking that Cuba is a snack food. mmm, thats good Cuba. Just a really tasty country. Which is somehow edible. It almost makes sense!)

(some Santogold just came on shuffle and it cheered me up 🙂  yays)

The War between Cowboys and Shoe Trees

I am officially on study leave. Which sucks. I actually prefer school to this. I preferred last week at school which was spent revising, getting little sheets, spilling hydrochloric acid all over my hands, copying stuff down, being assured my biology teacher is not the Fuhrer (the science corridors are so freakin’ cold we get to light bunsen burners and it kinda looked like we were nazisaluting when we held our hands over the flame…speaking of Hitler i have just watched the last episode of Band of Brothers which was amazing and me and my family were all laughing about Hitler being afraid of heights) and best of all: convincing Divya (oh she never reads this so i can name her) that Michelle and Barack Obama are brother and sister and that they are allowed to marry because the president is above the law (“i knew america was free but i didn’t know it was that free”). We had her fooled all afternoon! It was awesome. She was relieved when we told her that they were in no way related.

Divya does not get mentioned enough in this blog. Actually a lot of people who i like don’t. But its weirdest that Divya doesn’t because she is kinda always there- just chillin’ out max and relaxing all cool. As a result i generally mistreat divya and abuse her trust. For this i am sorry and i would promise to never do it again but we both know that i would break this promise next maths lesson. I am also sorry because she’s just really nice. And fun to laugh at andwith. Also Divya is unlike my other friends because she is weird without being insane, only has miniature crises (oh apart from that time she got hit by a car. its okay. she was fine. her continual crises involve boys who walk funny because they think it is cool. apparently this is called “bopping”) and doesn’t like rock music so its okay if i admit to liking certain songs and artists.

So basically revision is making me go insane. I have rediscovered my love of Super Furry Animals which is…good. I talk through my history notes (“and the League was all “meh…we don’t want to do anything about the Manchurian crisis” so Japan just totally got away with it and back in Europe Hitler and Mussolini were like “oooh- i bet we could get away with invading people too”and yeah- Mussolini then totally went and pwnd Abyssinia”). I play with some plastic pearl necklace thing.

And this little toy cowboy. He is quite cool. He is leader of a gang consisting of: a little glass cat i won at a school fair, a colourful hexagonal box containing change (mainly euros for some reason) and a pair of good quality, black-handled kitchen scissors. Their enemy is a fancy shoe tree. The cowboy hates shoe trees. Then again, he went slightly insane from being locked up in a shoe drawer with a talking glass dolphin with no tail (won at the same stall as the cat) for too long. The cowboy and his gang live on top of a set of drawers, known locally as “Picture Frame Country” and the shoe trees live below the dresser, the head honcho of the shoes trees resides in a grand box called “Ol’ Musty”. (i personally think was would make a great film and could be marketed as “toy story for potheads”).

Wish me, and my fellow exam takers, good luck for tomorrow. I know the exams themselves don’t matter, but if i do madly i basically get locked up to revise for the next few months. I mean, not like this stops the dramatic action in my head (“fine, you know what? I ama boxing bear who owns a time machine which i will then use to go back in time and make sure the president of mexico has a daughter”. yeah, i have this thing about my friend marrying the president of mexico’s daughter. its a long story. in the end, she kills another of my friends (because she thought the two were having an affair but they so weren’t! he was learning some language so he could interpret what this ghost-um, who fought the mexican lady for his hand in marriage- was saying in his dreams!) then commits suicide but the police think said friend killed them both so he gets imprisoned and depending on whether or not i am in a good mood i help him escape. though i have no idea where we would go because mexico is just like where i want to run away to. i am not entirely sure where the being a boxing bear comes into it. and the prime minister of mexico does have a daughter, she is called Maria. but seeing as she is only 11. and although my head is set in the future, she still needs to be older so i guess i need to find someone willing to go back in time and impregnate Margarita Zavala….or just encourage her to make babies with her husband. Though…they were married in 1993 which was the year i was born. Maybe i should just hope that someone with an older daughter takes over mexico in the future. i should just not be planning this).

So yes…wish me luck. Because typing all that out made me forget how french grammar works.

P.S Happy Birthday to Richard Stevens (author of Diesel Sweeties)! And my condolonces to Miles Grover (writer of Thinkin’ Lincoln) on losing his job. *warms fuzzies and hugs for you both*

Revision has driven me insane.

GCSE mocks after the holidays. That is just mean. Meany mean mean. I have been driving myself crazy, sitting in a room with textbooks open pretending to be reading, sometimes actually reading and wishing i could be reading a book instead. I have not read Paper Towns yet! I did however finish the Dune trilogy. Majorly freaked out by the end of that. And i don’t really like Leto II. No way near as cool as Leto I or Paul! I mean yes, he is meant to be all strong and yay its great he is taking on all the pain for the eventual benefit of the universe but that is just not really something I feel comfortable with. I mean, Paul ended up failing. He decided to go into the desert and just lose his identity rather than making the terrible choice Leto did. I am cool with that, that is normal that is what most people would do. (…i just reread that and remembered no one in real life has the gift/curse of prescience or bene gesserit training and i doubt any Dukes read my blog. it would be cool if they did. It would be even cooler if it turned out i was secretly a duke and i rewarded all my readers with chocolate coins).

Also…okay SPOILERS…Leto II isn’t human by the end so i guess that is another reason we can’t relate to him. Furthermore (i just didn’t want to use the word ‘also’ again) i do not get why he has to marry his freakin’ sister. I mean…there is no point. He isn’t going to mate with her (hahahaha, i love the breeding programmes in the book. they are hilarious) and has asked Farad’n to carry on the Atreides line with her. And Farad’n is like court scribe so it isn’t like he is going to take Ghani away with him anywhere. Leto II is just wrong (and nowhere near as hot as Paul. Even Paul when he is the Preacher with his eyes burned out is hotter than Leto II. Anyway. Leto II is like 9. I mean…you forget this because he was cognitive in the womb and acts more adult than most because of all his previous lives…god the plot looks so weird written down….yes. Basically i would just like to point out The Preacher and his sexily heretical speeches are one of the coolest things about Children of Dune). Apologies for the long bracket (i just feel i can like…type easier in brackets. If i had my way, this whole blog would just be lots of brackets (within brackers (within brackets)))

My cousin Dave and his long-term girlfriend (they should get married! they would have probably the coolest wedding ever) Emma came around to drink tea and play trivial pursuit. (Which is actually what my uncle Ralph did the day before they came. Family time!). I actually had no idea they had gone to Peru which sounded awesome. I talk about Dave a lot to my friends because whenever i hear he is coming round to the house i have always een like “yaaay! Cousin Dave!” because he used to play with us on the Nintendo and play us Cardiac CDs…he is just really nice. Into conspiracy theories and slightly pessimistic and paranoid (only slightly- besides he can totally laugh at himself about it) but just nice.

however today has been filled with learning about not nice people. Thank you history. It has been all STALINHITLERMUSSOLINIOTHERBADGUYS and trying to relearn all these dates and things. And going slightly insane. i mean…i had forgotten about how much i like to draw Hitler. I know that sounds weird but sometimes in history when it comes to talking about World War II it gets a bit boring because we do stuff about it like every year and my dad and uncle recount to me every tiny detail and then make me watch all these documentaries and films about it…so i end up drawing stick figures of Hitler just to amuse myself. Also it does actually help to quickly remind me of things when flicking through my book. Really, ever since i drew this self portrait in art years ago and before i drew all my hair someone pointed out that if you drew in the moustache it looked like Hitler…i have been trying to draw him ever since. It is impossible. Once you accidentally draw Hitler (i don’t look like Hitler by the way, i guess i am just awful at drawing myself) you can never draw him again. I have drawn him as foodstuff (notably as a potato and a gingerbread man. He looks best as a potato). So yeah. That was weird to admit. Actually if people looked through stuff i have written and drawn other the years they would just think i am insane.

(Insane AND a Duke?! I wish someone would make a comic about all my potential lives).

All Freakin’ Week

I have been revising. Actually revising. Now i am listening to All Summer Long by Kid Rock. It is better without watching the music video (same goes for Werewolves of London, which Kid Rock sampled for the song). Who actually wears a Confederate flag bikini? The American Civil War has been on my mind thanks to Gone with the Wind. But then againso has Wham!. The only thing which stopped me freaking out about chemistry was listening over and over again to “Everything she Wants”. Especially after i ran into this person from my school who i just end up lying to every time we have a conversation. “Oh yeah, i love chemistry…Oh, so you remember all the equations? Yeah me too, that was just the stress talking…no i’m not stressed i love the wonderful logic of chemistry…” so on and so forth. Fortunately we ran into some other people who she could talk to who i don’t know that well, but it still meant i went into chemistry thinking about what a social reject i am rather than emulsifiers and that shit.

So the boys from Wham! were needed to ensure i gave a Wham and indeed, a bam, but that i didn’t give a damn. That and the disco dancing sing -a-long to S Club 7 with some friends made me feel okay. We were trying to remember what the hell happened to Tina (we don’t know about Paul either, but he’s a traitor to the S Club party so we don’t care). She has apparently been writing songs for some bands and is planning on producing some solo work….okay her wikipedia page is really short…

Paul dated Hannah Spearitt? That is so not how they were paired up in my mind! They split 2006.

He’s been DJing with Bradley? No! Bradley is too cool for you!

I am not going to look up Rachel Stevens. I never liked Rachel. I am very verytempted to yell Boo you whore! (That reminds that it is Divya’s birthday party tomorrow…not that she’s a whore. she just knows most of the words of Mean Girls)

So i only have one exam left. Physics. In a perfect world this is when The Doctor comes in and says: So, physics! Physics, eh? Physics! Phyyyysics! Physics, Physics, Physics, Physics, Physics Physics, Physics, Physics, Physics… I hope you’re getting all this down!

Why? Why can i not recieve physics lessons from The Doctor, or biology from Derek Sheperd (a.k.a McDreamy) or…i can’t think of anyone hot who could teach chemistry. Apparently Sherlock Holmes received a posthumous Honorary Fellowship from the Royal Society of Chemistry. Posthumous? The guys fictional! Honestly what is wrong with these people!? Boo those whores.

 

 

Study Leave

So its Wednesday. My one day this week free from exams. I meant to revise way earlier as i still have a lot  to learn. However, i am in here typing and not even having an enjoyable time because i don’t want to go into the room where i put down my revision materials because i got freaked out by the garage door swinging open randomly and so am now just wasting my time. I hate the garage. For the past eight years i have been convinced someone lives in there. Just some random guy, who is obviously out to ‘get me’, who lives behind the ping pong table(so you wouldn’t be able to see him when you entered). I know this isn’t true, but i still try and convince him he can come out or just help himself to the food in the fridge anytime he likes. I know that has to be the worst excuse for not revising ever, but i am still going to blame any failures on him.

So instead of revising i am watching greys anatomy, very quietly so as not to wake my brother. He has been asleep since our grandparents left to fly home to Sacramento at 9am. If he wasn’t here i would be watching Casablanca, i’ve watched that film a gazillion times yet i did not remember the name of Ingrid Bergman’s character (its Ilsa, my video box said it was Lisa). I was thinking of Casablanca when we all went out to dinner as a goodbye to my grandparents. Foolishly, we went to an Italian restaurant on the night Italy was playing the Netherlands. And got totally thrashed by the Netherlands. Fortunately our waiter was Portuguese and called me beautiful. I love it when waiters do that, i am so not looking forward to going to restaurants and being called madam or whatever.  

Other things I have done instead of revised:

  1. Made endless cups of tea
  2. Read through, and laughed at, all the pages on the graphjam blog
  3. Laughed at lol cats on I Can Has Cheezeburger blog
  4. Made a wish list of things i want from www.shanalogic.com
  5. Admired the way i look in my Rufus Wainwright t-shirt
  6. Thought about eating the pasta i made my brother which he hasn’t eaten. It is just there on the coffee table. Waiting for someone to eat it. Maybe that person is me.
  7. Opened my geography folder to revise, got into a panic about the population density of Canada
  8. Contemplated writing down a complicated theory about the cost of running away to various places if you consider various conditions:
  • The person you run away with only came with you to escape previous country of occupancy and ditches you when you are sleeping (subtract money they steal from you, add money saved by not having to pay for them)
  • If above happens, we must consider the ‘Rick’ factor (so named after Rick from Casablanca) which is your likelihood of running away to yet another country (subtract money spent on train, subtract money spent on drink) and opening a successful bar (subtract money for white tuxedo, subtract money for running and owning bar) where you meet a Captain Reno (add money for winning bets against him, subtract money for rigging your roulette tables so he wins, subtract money for having to close your bar under his orders)
  • If your partner does not run away, we must take into consideration your reasons for running away: you are coming to help the people there (subtract most of your money, yet keep the absolute minimum for survival), you are to find treasure (subtract money for airplane, “exotic” transportation like camels/elephants, camouflage gear etc, add money for eventual treasure found or selling your story), you are there for adventure (subtract money for being robbed and beaten by bandits sucker)
  •  Basically if you apply the various factors to the money in your bank account and still end up with a positive amount then feel free to run away there

To conclude: Never try to think in the early hours of the morning, it is okay not to revise in order to laugh at graphs about The Princess Bride.

Spoilers

It is around 10 minutes to 8 on a Saturday evening. Any decent person should therefore know that i am about to write about Doctor Who and the extreme emotional distress this episode caused me because:

  1. River Song, who i heavily criticised, was awesome this week with the whole handcuff thing, sacrificing herself for the Doctor, knowing the Doctor’s name (causing him mucho angst, very hot) and just generally being awesome
  2. OMFG Donna! It was so incredibly sad when her husband sees her then can’t call out to her! They must must must let them meet again! She loved him! It made me scream!
  3. The absolute creepiness with the children. When Donna looks around and realises they are just the same boy and girl over and over and over again….
  4. On the same note, the heartbreakingness of when Donna’s children disappear just after she promises she’ll never close her eyes again
  5. The Doctor Moon guy being all “and now you forget”, he has a really disturbing smile
  6. When you discover the library was built for the dying girl and you just forgive Stackman Lux for being such a bastard at the beginning
  7. Miss Evangelista turning uber smart yet disfigured

Yes, basically i was speechless for a while. During the episode i was yelling at the screen much to the amusement of my brothers. Particularly when the Doctor is about to save River Song i was just like “oh my god if he doesn’t save her then i am going to KILL Steven Moffat! This can’t be another-yet way more distressing- Kylie incident!”, as in when The Doctor thinks he can save Astrid Peth (a.k.a Kylie) in Voyage of the Damned and it so gets your hope up (even though I don’t think Kylie is that awesome) but then noooo, she dies. Well…goes all stardusty…you know what i mean.

Right, with that off my chest: It was mine and Hannah’s 5th birthday on Thursday. I recieved random books(including “An Abundance of Katherines”, John Green FTW), some cute earrings, a Titanicy bracelet (has a big, blue heart on it), an awesome (must find a new term of praise) bag from Octopus (it’s sides are made of laminated pulp fiction covers), a cute dress from H&M, money, a pair of gorgeous shoes from Office (which cost £40, i feel slightly guilty for spending that money on shoes) and some more random presents are arriving.

Because it was Hannah’s birthday there was a lot of cake at school. I made some brownie, she made very tasty fairy cakes. I just realised i received no actual birthday cake! Oh well. We went to Wagamamas as a family, i love going to Wagamamas. But now i am having to revise all day long. Well, pretending to revise mainly. I did manage to revise biology (my biology teacher liked my brownies, making him even more awesome) but instead of revising french (i had french orals on my birthday) i was rereading In Cold Blood which is quite stupid as it always makes me rather depressed. But hey, anythings better than work.

 

Tests, Work and Fifty Cent

The last two days i have been like “OMG I HAVEN’T REVISED” for my geography test(which i got 72% so its okay) and maths. I know i must have failed the maths test though. How do histograms work? I absolutely have no idea what was on that paper. Easter weekend should not be revision time! I spent reading-finally finished that 800+ page book. It was worth it. Have now started on 600+ page book and am making steady progress. In between reading there was numerous cups of tea, ironing whilst repeatedly listening to AYO Technology by 50 cent and randomness by Avril Lavigne(note: not my music, it was on my brother’s ipod) and doing far too much research about palm oil. I will not go on about palm oil but just one thing: As a result of the whole palm oil business, by 2022 98% of Malaysian and Indonesian rainforest will have been destroyed. It is distressing.

But i am generally in a far better mood than i was last week. Bouncing around, eating Easter eggs and lots of soup. I only got annoyed when i discovered Gruff Rhys have cut off the bulk of his Welsh Fro! His bouncing, beautiful, thick curly hair! Why Gruff why? Especially as i might be forking out an awful lot of cash to go to the Green Man Festival, mainly to see Super Furry Animals.

I realised i haven’t been on a huge book binge like that in ages. I really should read more, but instead i choose to daydream. Daydreaming has to be done to a soundtrack though, generally i rely on my radio. This means everything gets mucked around because different genres are played so the atmosphere in my head changes, then i might change station or get bored of the song and then everything turns into some jerky, disorganised puppet show. Then you have to start over again until the story goes the way you want it to. This is because daydreaming in my head is rather like a sitcom. For a start, it focuses on a secret romance. It has had numerous people getting into accidents, they may either break or leg or even go into a coma and so on, i wouldn’t be surprised if i suddenly found the characters in the middle of a dance off. I’m sure I could work it into the plot somehow. But this all prevents me from reading, reading sparks off more daydreams. But I will try to read some more tonight, no more tests for a long time i hope. Oh god i just remembered i have a french test next week. Je deteste tests de français.