Captain’s Blog?

I apologise for the lack of updates in a time when people need absolutely any distraction at all. Currently feeling dehydrated and despite the fact that it is currently 4:42 am i feel very awake. Inflamed with nerdy rage you could say. I actually haven’t been updating because daytime is spent revising and nighttime is spent watching Star Trek. This could count as revision. I now know potassium nitrate and sulphur can make gunpowder. This knowledge will be essential for survival next time i am forced into combat with a slow, immensely strong alien on a desert planet (which is actually California). I have also gained random physics knowledge (…which can’t actually be applied to this universe. But hey. Definitely not going to try and find a way into an paralell universe to try and kill parallel-universe me anytime after watching that episode). I am glad that I’ve done biology and therefore won’t get confused by the discovery of silicon-based lifeforms (um…who look like horribly designed rugs with a lot of stuff shoved underneath them. Gosh I love how terrible the special effects are). Also i have yelled “honestly- when will people realise time travel is a bad idea!?” more than is socially acceptable.

I’m really sorry if i have infected you with my nerdiness. But it seems to be the only thing calming me down recently (just a thought: Captain Kirk is an excellent blogger. I mean, i know it’s his log, and it’s voice recorded, but still! Always something interesting to say! Updating even when he is about to be killed! He is indeed a blogging hero for our times). It’s like…why worry about my GCSEs when i probably don’t exist because of the eugenics war at around the time i was born? Why should i be sad when Spock just unknowingly quoted The Princess Bride (“as you wish” and “inconceivable!”)? Are GCSEs more difficult than having to let your love die so that germany didn’t win World War Two (William Shatner and Joan Collins…they do totally work as a couple) or being forced into mortal combat with your best friend because some stupid evil bitch  didn’t realise that Spock was a fine piece of pointy-eared booty?

(And another question: did the writers of the show have a challenge to see who could come up with the weirdest way of getting Kirk’s shirt ripped off?)

…I just realised how ridiculous the plots are (the shirt ripping is also ridiculous. You would expect a captain to have sturdier shirts). But i am still totally mad at T’Pring (aforementioned stupid evil bitch) for choosing to reject Spock (the man-vulcan hybrid has crazy eyebrow gymnastic skills!). I mean how could she resist?

Just kidding. I actually have a nerdy crush on Leonard McCoy because he is a doctor dammit, not an escalator.

(just to clarify: i don’t have a crush on either of them, but if they had a child it would have eyebrows dexterous enough to beat the children off the cadbury’s advert)

(contemplation of that line has caused the people in my head to have an argument about the specifics of an escalator eugenics war…which should be the name of a band! The Escalator Eugenics War. I would like to wish happy birthday to Hannah’s Brother Adam, who needs a name for his band. I know, it was his birthday yesterday but i didn’t wish him happy birthday on facebook because i am spending my time looking at who joins which fan pages and groups. It is most enlightening in some cases. Though there are no prizes for guessing which friend proudly supports “Anal- Up the Chuff!”)

Nerdcore and the Jews on the Moon

Hello…blog people. My perception of time might be a little screwed as i haven’t been keeping normal hours. By which i mean i went to sleep at 8am this morning. And the day before that i went to bed at around 6am. See, this would be acceptable if i was out clubbing and not staying up… watching Peep Show and Star Trek (sorry. my nerdy feelings are just made worse by “I fought the law” just coming on the radio. Also because i feel i need to clarify i was watching the original Star Trek).

OKay to explain that bracket: me, Imogen and fia went to watch Star Trek on Thursday because we are nerdcore (great. now Chuck Berry is singing “No particular place to go”…) and also kinda because Hank Green said it was really good (and i trust Hank because he is a star trek nerd. and yes, at some point in the film Imogen did turn around and ask “What would Captain Picard do?”). And it was just amazingly awesome! Though this could be because i was getting a bit too emotionally involved with the whole plot (i think this was justified! however i get the feeling fia and Imogen disapproved. but! but! *flaps arms around and makes squeaky noises*).  Plus, Zachary Quinto was adorable as Spock.

Anyway, because it rocked i am kinda watching some of the original star trek because i have never actually seen any. I watched Star Trek: The Next Generation enough to really like Captain Picard because he was just awesomely awesome, but not enough to think that watching Star Trek was an acceptable excuse not to go to the school disco (sorry but the old school discos were amazing, so i always remembered that excuse). 

So original star trek is pretty enjoyable, especially with all the cheesy special effects which are actually pretty endearing (…sorry advert for the “red hot channel” just came on the radio. scares me every time).  Plus, because i was having to tell my mother that yes, Leonard Nimoy is definitely Jewish (i find it odd how Spock has always been more recognisable to me than Kirk, a more comforting figure. I mean, i always think William Shatner is dead. That is comforting at all. ) i have found out some cool things about Jewish people in space (unfortunately, no Jewish people have been on the moon….though “Jews on the Moon” is the name of a short science fiction story i just found…in 2053 the Jewish people are apparently living on the dark side of the moon and all the gentiles had a party. Don’t worry though, life on earth sucks but the Jews have actually made a fantastic place for themselves on the moon. Actually “life disintegrated” without the Jews. Anyway, god decides to destroy the earth, which makes so “the Jews on the moon went into a period of deep mourning”. gosh that is such a weird sentence to type. Anyway, the story had no real ending, but if you’re interested: Hitler’s last remaining relative is in Brazil).

…sorry i got distracted by reading that. I was going to say that there have only been like 9 Jewish astronauts (by which i mean, when i search “Jewish astronauts” on wiki, it gives me nine names). Unfortunately two of them were killed, Judith Resnik of the Challenger and Illan Ramon of the Columbia. ON a lighter note, David Wolf was the first american to vote in space and Greg Chamitoff was the first person to bring bagels into space (which were from his cousin’s bakery, which is cute).

Anyway, aside from the nerdiness, it was my father’s birthday yesterday (…okay i could nerdify that so easily. Because the 22nd is also Jeffrey Rowland’s birthday. never mind)! So we went to eat at an italian restaurant and it was all lovely and happy (i had oreos for breakfast this morning. which isn’t really relevant. i just wanted to put another bracket in here).

So tra la la, i have time off from exams. To revise! To maybe start watching Heroes (hello!? why did no one tell me there was implied brain eating fia!?) and finish Grey’s Anatomy. I am saving Peep Show for when i really need it, which is before chemistry and physics exams.

(…i would just like to say “Nerdcore and the Jews on the Moon” sounds like a good band name. I am getting better on guitar if anyone is interested).

(oh and another thing- my mum never really watched star trek…but she insists that i say “Captain Kirk” instead of just “Kirk”. She is clearly crazy and is probably harbouring a secret love of Kirk. Which is weird, because he has moobs. Moobs! Spock beats Kirk anyday. Spock never steals cars whilst listening to the Beastie Boys).

Gosh. What an embarrassing list.

Right.Fia wants me to write a list of my top 10 guys (…err okay reading this over there are 11. nevermind). Because she thinks it’s funny. I do realise the list looks a bit ridiculous. in fact only 7 guys come to mind after a lot of thought. And i believe they are all over 40 which makes me a bit worried. I must think of some younger people and then add them in (hey, that joe jonas! he’s hot piece of virgin ass amirite?) (no that is just wrong).

10. Ah hah! Dave Eggers is 39! Now, it’s not like i have a major crush on Dave Eggers, it is more a literary crush. If you have ever read A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius you would fall in love with the clever, funny, amazing guy too. Plus he is just seriously awesome: he set up McSweeneys! (which hopefully i am going to finally get a subscription for). Dave Eggers you are quite cute and your writing has made me cry. (see, Jonathan Safran Foer is also a genius, and probably cuter than Eggers, but his writing is more just generally awesome than “oh my god i love you, i care about you, i have to let you know this”)

9. Err okay. I have a crush on Jeremy Irons. I know. He is 60. However, if just close your eyes and imagine that voice. The oh-so-comforting british accent. The less comforting, but still amazing, german accent in Die Hard 3. I actually think this started years ago when i first watched The Man with the Iron Mask. Is it so wrong to fall for Aramis instead of stupid Leonardo diCaprio playing King Louis? No! (i also hated Titanic. Just so you know). Plus the dude owns a castle. A castle. Admittedly one he has painted pink, but still.

8. Okay we are going to go for someone else who is old! The oldest person on this list, number 8 and turning 80 next year is Clint Eastwood (he’s going to be 79 in ten days. *slaps forehead*). I know this is incredibly weird. (oh Jess- he co-wrote a song with Linda Thomspon. How weird! not one of hers though, something for Diana Krall). Err…how to explain this….i don’t know…he’s Clint Eastwood? Clint Eastwood with his ponchos and fluffy hair and growly accent and Magnum .44 and ridiculous film roles? According to wiki he is “an enduring icon of masculinity”. I personally think he has quite a cute nose. Cute as a button, evil as…a safety pin?

7. Bowie. David Bowie is much hotter than Eastwood. There is probably a David Bowie look to suit everyone. You know what i am just going to say that everyone loves Bowie even if they don’t realise it.Deep down inside, we are all Bowiephiles. He is just that awesome. And yes, he was Jareth who is a goblin king how cool is that and i have a t-shirt with his face on (…i just found a picture of Bowie with Bill Clinton. But more about Bill later). And obviously, there’s the music.

6. i am going to say David Tennant to get it out of the way (plus- he’s only 38! yays!). The man has very lovely hands, a wonderful arse and is the Doctor. How could you not love the Doctor? He has a time machine! He drinks tea! He…he really does have a great arse. Especially in pyjamas. Plus excellent in Casanova- who does not want “french lessons” with Tennant? Or…actually no. The whole singy-sex from Blackpool was disturbing. But the full-on scottish accent was lovely. All hail tennant. (see, i know it might be wrong to have him so low on the list- but its because he hasn’t you know…been at the forefront of my mind in a while. it was because i prepared myself for lack of tennant during the last doctor who episode and so seeing tennant is weird. its like watching a ghost)

5. JoCo! I had Jonathan Coulton lyrics stuck in my head during biology today. (i shouldn’t be talking about “sexy” men. I should be revising. But i don’t have an exam for ages). Now JoCo comes above Tennant because he is kinda cute and is an actual person. By that i mean he has a personality. Tennant is perfectly lovely, but his favourite book is Catcher in the fucking Rye! His favourite band are the Kaiser Chiefs! What are you tennant- 13? (plus he got his last name from Neil Tennant of the Petshop Boys who i dislike). Whereas JoCo is actually funny and awesome and totally nerdcore. He writes the kind of songs which make me feel like “yay! this is so totally weird! I’m not alone with my freakish ideas!”.

4. David Berman- another singer. Again, cute. Beardy. Indie. Older. (gah). I love the accent (weird mix of accents. I think the British ones are sexier, but american accents are weirdly comforting). And while we’re on it- Cassie Berman is also rather adorable as well. They are such a cute couple! But i like his poems. Not all of them, some of them aren’t so good, but just these phrases and ideas which stick in my mind. If i read them it causes my head to go all weird for a while and think in a different way. Thank you for that Berman!

3. Gruff Rhys. Now Gruff is just adorable. With that fluffy hair and welsh accent! He’s just too adorable. Plus his music is just so happy and…free? I just like how SFA kinda bob along being kinda successful and still just happy welsh rockers. Also Gruff and SFA were like my first real musical thingy…like my first real, fan girl thing. (oh there have been so many since). I just love the welsh-fro. Gosh that welsh-fro…

2. Okay i haven’t thought about this person in a while but i know my love for you will never die Alan! Indeed, someone else from Die Hard (i know most of his lines in that film off my heart from sneaking down to watch it. And sometimes watching it in slomo just for fun) (oh, in case you were wondering, Bruce Willis isn’t on the list. I love you Bruce, just not like that). Mainly Alan Rickman love is due to Sense and Sensibility- a film i love to pieces (also the book! which i have read and also love. Though of course i can’t believe he would like Kate Winslet. “There is some blue sky! let us chase it!” honestly). And come on, who doesn’t like some Snape? But yes, mainly Brandon, striding around in those riding boots looking all adorably soul-crushed because some stupid bitch  doesn’t realise that Willoughby is a fucktard.

1. Bill Clinton. Now this is the one i get yelled at a lot about. “Bill Clinton!?!?! Seriously!? That’s just weird”. Yes, yes it is. He is just so ridiculously charming. It’s crazy, how i can just automatically forgive Bill anything. (seriously though- Lewinsky? I’m hotter than Lewinsky. I should be having affairs with Presidents. You know what i am hotter than a lot of first ladies! Michelle and Jackie excluded of course. But never mind). It is less a physical thing (though…i do find a younger Bill hot) more of whole…he’s from Arkansas. He is a total Baptist redneck who loves redmeat and late night poker. And he became President. He has done all these amazing things (i get updates from the William Clinton Foundation on facebook, which is weird. Plus, he gets t-shirts from Nelson Mandela. That’s good right?) and he’s got that lovely voice and those simply amazing hands (Hillary likes his hands. But she can go crawl away and die) and actually also has lovely wrists…i guess i just love the idea of Bill Clinton. Most people did at some point! I still believe in you Bill!

0. (i know…he’s not my number one guy. He’s my…zero guy!)…Okay i guess the way this worked out means i have to put Alice Cooper top of my list. See, this is just currently. I think you have noticed how Alice has completely taken over my brain. (I’m like the narrator of that They Might be Giants song “Why must I be Sad?”). I’m sure you don’t need another rant about how funny his radio show is, our me drooling over how he looks in leather. Alice: i may be a pathetic, nerdy, middle-class, white stereotype who goes to an all-girls grammar school and really likes Abba but i also like you and your top hats too. A lot. Particularly when you have a sword in your mouth.

What can I say- I love swords

What can I say- I love swords

Tra la la

I am awake at 5 to 5 in the morning. I feel slightly cheated because it is sunny but i still think it is nighttime.  The only thing good about sunday morning is that song by Velvet Underground which is all nice and flowy. The bad thing is less “oh no monday coming up” and more “oh no. Saturday night is gone. Saturday night with Alice talking about drunken equestrians and smart but assless suits. Saturday night when Jess explained about Eurovision which i’ve never watched. Hello Norway! I bet you are sad that your night has gone! Your moment of the year has come and gone and it is only may! Saturday nights spent vowing not to talk like a crazy lady to fia and then failing miserably”. And so on and so forth…not like it was an amazing saturday night or anything but still. Sunday. Sunday.

I think i am not tired, but then again i actuallwanted to blog to tell the world that thanks to balancing my laptop on it, my tummy is wonderfully warm. This is actually wonderful.

Also that i just finished watching all of peep show season 2 including the deleted scenes.  I wonder if i could watch all of season 3 before i actually have to get out of bed (which is…an embarrisnly late time). Aaand they’re talking about tea. If only i had tea this would be perfect. (gosh and now they are eating fish pie! i am hungry! though because i am all warm ad fuzzy and don’t want to move i now feel like i am the queen bee. But must remember that i am queen bee who is being fed by a bunch of mad scientists controlling robotic bees who are feeding me tons of food to see if i could actually explode. This will hopefully stop me from being hungry).

And if i could stop being paranoid about eggmen armies. gah. On a pirate ship.Blasting out some Duran Duran. Honestly.


(hello this is future me after sleep. just saying: Norways moment has not gone! today is constitution day there! a national holiday! wish i was in norway waving a flag. i haven’t waved a flag since year 8 history when i ran a campaign for the class to choose Harold Godwinson to be king instead of fucking William the Conqueror. And that was a small flag as well)

I’m on Study Leave again.

Arrrh i have not updated in ages. I do have GCSes (well okay. i’ve had one so far. and. which was only french listening …well i’m not really revising that hard). Anyway, i will probably not leave the computer chair until midnight (from 9-12 on a saturday night is Alice Cooper time! which probably isn’t very healthy. but tonight he is interviewing Chad Smith  a.k.a the drummer for the Chilis who is now in some supergroupcalled Chickenfoot with some dudes from Van Halen and Joe Satriani. There album is coming out on my birthday! Aaw he and Alice are being so cute and Detroitsian together!)so i have plenty of time to try and remember what has been happening recently.

I guess the most important event is muck up day! Our year had some good ideas, but most of the cool stuff we put up got taken down before first period (which is sucky). Though i was actually in a terrible mood that day, so i guess i wasn’t really feeling the whole zomfgwtfbbq vibe. Plus having to watch rounders in the rain never does anything to cheer me up (i feel very sorry for the people actually playing in that downpour). There was a party with pizza, there was shirt signing (which actually was fun if a bit random…i got singed by: my maths teacher, history teacher, geography teacher and my chemistry teacher. Who was stuffing his face with the pizza we paid for. But hey, you gave us haribo), there were straws (which always need a mention) and i got to hug my history teacher (who we all love and is so adorably gay) (oh like 4 people from my history class are leaving! Emma, Alex, Immy and, pleasepleaseplease change your mind, Hannah. This sucks majorly because it has been like my favourite class for the past two years and i will miss it a lot). Though it is weird to have said goodbye etc. and then still see them coming into school for exams. It’s like “arrh! you aren’t supposed to exist anymore!”.

(…sorry Alice is playing White Rabbit. i love this song 🙂 and plus he played it the first time i listened to his radio show…which makes me all nostalgic for like…a couple of months ago…)

After the party, an emotional singy walk down Richmond Road. We (err me, Jess, Zoe, Hannah, Suga and Imogen. Divya and Ellen were meant to be coming but probably got lost like we knew they would…oh and Fia was there i just missed her out when i wrote this because i hate her. Hello from future me blog! *waves*) hung out at Imogen’s…gosh i have no idea what we talked about. I think we were being girls and at some point we discussing future kid names. And randomness. Then, randomly, we decided to go to Carluccios for dinner (after me and Hannah went to Jess’ to borrow clothes). Dinner is always nice (plus it was a bit Homocore wasn’t it Jess? Which is hard to explain what this means to me and Jess, but has stuff do with a  puppet-mistresses version of Lenin and Robert Pattinson)

This all feels like ages ago. Study leave has…not been very productive. See my brother recently introduced me to a new game called Plants vs Zombies which is stupidly addictive (made by the people who did Peggle) which i have played so much it sometimes seems things in my vision are creeping from right to left. Plus the credits have this stupidly catchy song…


Anyway i am sorry this has been so boring. I think all my interesting has been used up in last nights dream. Which at some point made me feel ill because…the world was sort of turned upside down…and you could see the gravitational force field which kept us from falling into space but it felt very breakable. Then, when the world was righted, i ran into Baby Spice who was professing her love to my chemistry teacher at the park, only S Club 7 kept on laughing at her (…i have been listening to S Club 7 again recently. And this was them when they were still a 7 and not a 6! Not like i liked Paul anyway but still…). Then my biology teacher appeared  (why, why are these people in my dreams? My chemistry teacher and i recently robbed some diamonds together. And one of the SLT turned up and yelled at me after i went sliding down a steep slope onto his wife’s grave. Which was made of cake. And his wife is my french teacher. Its all so confusing!) and was like “right! i am going to give you a lecture on dark clouds!” so they would not mock Baby Spice anymore. Or maybe he just wanted to lecture them. Ah well.

It’s a list of niceness!

Today is Cinco de Mayo! Isn’t that nice? Don’t we all want to be in Mexico to join in with their celebrations? (well. i guess that depends how worried you are about swine flu but personally i am up for running away to Mexico at any time). There is actually nothing to celebrate over here. My last official week at school….last chemistry lessons ever (we got haribo!)…last french lesson spent playing french scrabble…only makes me go into a “aaarh everything is changing and time is going too fast and we are all going to die” mood if i do not concentrate. Which sucks because everything is actually quite nice now.

Things which have been nice:

  • I managed to listen to Nights with Alice Cooper all the way through for once! (summary: two innuendos and he put on a horrific posh english accent to read out a letter…by someone from Manchester) (…also i went onto the website and there’s a little video voiced by Alice and now every time i say please i can hear him saying “pretty please with sugar and spiders and snakes on top!)
  • My dad just handed my a cup of tea! My favourite drink ever
  • Anna sent me some Emilie Autumn youtube links to introduce me to her music and they rocked (have been repeatedly listening to ‘Misery Loves Company’ and ‘Opheliac’) so apparently i am a…muffin. Which is good because it means that next time i am eating a muffin i can give Anna a muffin-five! (…like a high five using muffins instead of hands)
  • Speaking of food- Suzy makes excellent rocky road which was an awesome marshmallow end of the day treat
  • Fia drew me a picture of Bret Michaels (diabetic lead singer of Poison) as a pirate holding a pistol with a snake wrapped around it. The snake can shoot lasers out of its eyes. The pistol shoots lasers as well. He is also holding a sword. Which…also shoots lasers. (…I really love lasers)
  • Last friday me and Hannah hung out at Jess’ place and ate awesome biscuits which was so nice because we have not been able to do that in an absolute age
  • Last friday was the first of may which means i could go around with JoCo stuck in my head! (that song is actually free to download off his site legally. I love free JoCo music! and songs about fucking outside!)
  • Jess lent me American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis which was amazing and kinda fucked up my thoughts patterns (generally when i finish reading a book I’m still stuck in like…the thought mode of the people in it…not good when its narrated by a psycho obviously). It’s all creepy and graphic but still awesomely readable. Will watch the film at some point!
  • Aaarh actually speaking of films, i watched “Bright Young Things” which is a film adaption of Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh (the screenplay was by Stephen Fry!). The main dude was played by Stephen Campbell Moor…a.k.a Irwin from The History Boys (which was weird. especially when he tried to some kind of…dance thing). But that does not compare to David Tennant sporting a bloody moustache! It twitched! *PURGE* i am right? just look at him! Look!
This is scary.

This is scary.

  •  Anyway on another note as i am a nerd and trawl the internet looking for webcomics (seriously i am the only person i know who does this which worries me slightly) i came across Wigu (which i knew about but never actually read) and am now completely absorbed with the stories of the dysfunctional Tinkle Family and the beings from Butter Dimension Quad (mainly Topato: a bloodthirsty topato whose body is made of poison and Sheriff Pony who is a blue, law-abiding pony who shits vanilla ice cream). (i know this sounds weird. Especially the stories which involve…its hard to describe. Lets just say it involves dinosaur fights, bigfoot making pizza from puppies, cheerleader tryouts on magic mushrooms and so on)


You know what else is just awesomely nice!?


Happy Birthday Hank! What i do without your videos and funny songs and ecogeek suggestions? 🙂