To the Math Revolutionaries of the Future

Dear Rivals,

Tonight is a hectic night for the Payne family. You can tell this by the fact that we are having dinner at 9:40pm and i am eating dinner alone in my room. The house is leaking (again) and we are waiting for a plumber because we can’t remember how we solved the leak problem last time. Anyway- you might not be able to relate to that because hopefully we will have no plumbing problems in the future. Or at least robotic plumbers.

So anyway i was just sitting around, pretending to revise for my mocks and desperately wishing maths didn’t exist. Then i realised that i couldn’t imagine such a world so decided maybe just a world where a law is passed so that you can drop maths after year 9 (i.e no longer a mandatory GCSE). Let’s face it- by that time everyone knows if they are a maths or an english person. So yeah, i guess to be fair english would have to be optional as well. Then i realised i could never get a law passed and would therefore have to become a dictator to make things better for future students. But hey- if i became a dictator i would not do things by halves. So in the future- under my rule- that expression is banned. Because halves is mathematical. You would say “i would never do things in a insert-the-name-of-a-trashy-author-here way. I mean honestly! There books have no plot! No direction! They suck compared to so and so…etc.”

This is because all mathematicians have been obliterated and anything deemed impossible for the superior literary people to understand has been outlawed. Trigonometry can stay. I like trig. But basically anything above GSCSE standard is banned. I am not entirely sure how i have planned this, but considering you are looking at my blog trying to determine any weaknesses i may have so you can overthrow me and make your precious mathematics legal again…whatever i did must have worked.

So mathematical revolutionaries are on the run from the law. I presume my own GCSE maths teacher is your leader because i can’t imagine myself letting him get killed. He is very nice and has funny hair. But i let him live to be your leader because he is ineffectual. If you uprising is suitably impressive- i might consider maths being legal again. But seeing as how i am writing a letter to imaginary people in the future world which i am dictator of, i am clearly insane and would probably just kill you all.

Muchos Love,

Olivia Payne

P.S  The Swedish equivalent to rootbeer which you can buy in Ikea is kinda weird tasting. I have no idea whether i like it or not. I doubt it is meant to be rootbeer actually. I presume the maker is Nygårda and the thing itself is called Julmust. Original recipe developed in 1910. Yeah…it is gross. Ah, i think it is meant to be rootbeer. Good old wikipedia says it was developed as an alternative to beer to be drunk at Christmas time but is also sold around Easter as well. Why would anyone want to get their hands on this secret recipe?! ….the flavour keeps changing…that is weird. Sometimes it is kind of nice and then it isn’t….i have to find out what is in that recipe. That is like, the next thing i will do after outlawing maths. I will go to Sweden and demand to get the Julmust recipe.


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