I am…hating Sasha Fierce

According to my dear friend Mr Wikipedia, the story of The Lion King is (très loosely obviously) based on Hamlet. Bleh? Bleh! Since when? But i can forgive the creator because he wrote…The Brave Little Toaster. Oh. My. God. Thomas M. Disch is a man after my own heart! Lampy (a…Lamp) , Blanky (an electric blanket), Radio (a fridge. not), Hoover (a hooverlicious hoover. yes i said hooverlicious. I have history coursework on FDR, i am allowed to go a little weird about Presidents…not like i don’t do that anyway..ellipsis- i use them too much…) and Toaster (you’re sick of these distracting brackets aren’t you?) on a quest to find their owner- referred to as “The Master”. Which is weird, but reminds me of Doctor Who so ultimately its all good. Now, i have never read this book or seen the films, but i am feeling an awful lot of love right now. Because i love inanimate objects (particularly kitchen appliances) and have actual once written a short story about a man (called Adam, just so i could make a bible joke) who is friends can hear inanimate objects talking. I think he knows it isn’t real, but if he stopped hearing them then he would go insane (well, more insane). Like he talks to his kettle and his wallet…some of them don’t talk. But they make noises. Mwee hee hee. Anyway, he falls in love with a radiator (inspired by and named after Hannah). Anyway…um, yeah. I guess that’s a weird thing to admit to writing. But i really enjoyed it. Because i talk to inanimate objects and people in my head and yes, this is starting to worry me.

But hey- you know who has been creeping me out recently? Beyoncé, Seriously, the video for Single Ladies (put a ring on it) is dead scary. With her crazy muscular thighs, the Terminator-esque bionic hand and of course the fast-paced dance moves, i swear at some point she looks like she is pretending to be a teapot (I’m a little teapot short and stout…) and the hands-on-hip-running-in-high-heels was just very very Roadrunner (or maybe that was just me. don’t get me wrong, i love Roadrunner but i wouldn’t mind seeing Wiley Coyote just take a big bite out of him. and Roadrunner would be like “oh no you didn’t!” and Coyote would just be able to swagger away all cool whilst the smug bastard bleeds to death…) Also i swear her face has changed! Changed!!! What happened to really cool and bootylicious Beyoncé? I mean, that evil grin at the end! Speaking as a fan of evil grins–it is awful. Really bad. Maybe because you just can’t take  I mean come on- the song seriously so you can’t take her “ooh i am just so independent and evil!” act very seriously either. And how come she gets an alter ego? I am so mad at her and “Sasha Fierce” and oh my god what kind of name is that for an alter ego?  An alter ego who needs a bionic arm…honestly. It is apparently her “sensual and aggressive” side. Wait- isn’t Beyoncéalready very sensual and when need be aggressive? This Sasha Fierce thing just comes across as a very bad joke and complete over indulgence. Why introduce some alter ego now anyway when Sasha Fierce was “born” in 2003? I mean…what is with that? Why does she even need a strictly-for-stage alter ego? Is it just a stunt to keep things fresh and make her appear more interesting? You aren’t David Bowie! I don’t know why this makes me annoyed so much, lots of singers etc. take on alter egos. Christina Auguleira (X-Tina), Mariah Carey (Mimi, funnily enough this used to be the name of one of my old alter egos.) Britney (Mona Lisa), Janet Jackson (Damita Do…hahahaha), heck even Norah Jones has a freakin’ alter ego (as Maddie- lead singer of punk rock group El Madmo who i have just myspaced and rather like actually). Maybe its because i actually used to like Beyonce because as i always thought she didn’t (always) act like a vain, stupid, party girl and you know that was nice. It was nice. And so i am pissed off she wants to feel a bit bad-ass or somehow “out there” and maybe she does really feel she needs an alter ego but it all seems so pointless (you could point out that having a massive rant about it is also pointless). And when will people realise doing things in black and white is not really that new or exciting or necessary especially since If I Were a Boy was also in black and white (yeah, i can’t get my camera to take pictures in monochrome-damnation)?.


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