Early Morning Ranting

I know it is like quarter-past 2 in the morning or whatever but i feel oddly compelled to talk about dust jackets. I just happened to be reading Paper Towns (yes! i finally started it! more on that later) and i just wanted to see what it looked like without the jacket. The jacket itself is interesting because there are two designs: each with a model depicting the mysterious love-interest of the main character Margo yet one is happy (Mona-Lisa-mystery-smile with yellow background) and one is sad (scowling-blue-background) to emphasise her duality and the fact that the even though she lives next-door and he has known her forever and is madly in love with her….Quentin doesn’t know who she really is.

 So i take off the dust jacket and it turns out the book is black with blue writing on the spine. I know it seems weird to care but…okay i have a lot of books in my house. Most don’t have jackets on….they just hang around. There are books in every single room in my house. And they basically dark. Dark blue or black or deep green or brown. Mainly black. So i found it interesting that An Abundance of Katherines, the book John Green published before Paper Towns, is white. All white with an indentation of a crouching girl on the front and blue writing on the spine. It is so white. Dazzling white. Like…between these covers there is a piece of holy scripture which is nothing to do with God but in fact just reveals the nature of man’s soul to whoever feels he is worthy enough to touch this book, this key to heaven, and you will be afraid but the book will drop from your hands but you will pick it up and kiss it and hold it to you because it is strangelycomforting. Or like not…i should probably mention the actual plot of the book is just kinda light hearted road-trip-teenage-boy-rom-com. I am just someone typing in the early hours of the morning, i am allowed to be dazzled by white books and feel the need to type nonsense. but yeah, An Abundance of Katherines is really good- the plot of the books all seem kind of light-weight etc. but all are so funny and alive and you just won’t regret reading them.

So yeah. You place Paper Towns next to An Abundance of Katherines and it’s like…wow, it is literally and  figuratively dark. When i look at Paper Towns and open it up i expect to see those dark old fashioned pages with a serif font and the book is actually a medical journal with scribblings in the margins and you are reading it- by candlelight obviously- and all these scribblings are hinting at something dark and plots and secrets and you just shut the book and shove it somewhere and decide to reread Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban. I am not even a Harry Potter fan- but that is my favourite of the books. I used to read it late at night a lot.

 Actually, i am betting my brothers and father are still awake right now. My mother is the only one who keeps regular hours (have been waiting to use that phrase for a long time. feels oddly appropriate, but i feel like i am about to reveal we have a terrible secret/disease. i don’t. i just find it hard to sleep). I also find it hard to use paragraphs. No idea why. And to indent stuff….what is up with that? I know it might be hard to read a big chunk of text but it is not like i plan what i write,as you may have noticed i just type bullshit as soon as i think it. Who even cares about dust jackets except like book collectors and who cares if some book is white or black (this feels like it should have a deeper meaning. so yes, i also believe that people are equal regardless of skin colour).

But books are just very important to me. Their physical presence is comforting, i hate being in a place with few books, i feel the need to comment if i am like at a house with few books just in case it turns out they do like books- they jut have so many they hire a warehouse for them in which case the lack of books in the house is acceptable. I like the feel of books, the feel of real paper (not that stupid textbook paper), the way a book smells, how easy they are to carry and how even though they aren’t round and curvy or anything but they are still very good to hug. And of course reading itself….yes. Yes. I really just need hand gestures to express what i feel about reading. If hear that someone doesn’t like reading….i don’t stop liking them. I know lots of people who don’t like to read and they are perfectly lovely people. But i am not really close to any of them. It is like a whole world they do not care for, an amazing ly brilliant (at times) universe which i guess i use an escape.

I like to escape from reality i will admit that. Maybe in a kind of unhealthy way. Maybe it is because i am always getting told how i have the potential to do anything i want (and who hasn’t heard that at some point?) but i don’t i instead stay indoors and i read and i daydream and i type away and instead i don’t know…wiki interesting dead people…and i am not even doing anything for New Years Eve . (Koni- Vladimir Putin’s dog- gets to party at New Years at the State Kremlin Palace. or did in 2004 anyway. great.)I never have. My family don’t think it is that big a deal and really it isn’t and i would prefer to stay here but i am always here. Always. My life is just sitting in horrible rooms absorbing stuff. I am a giant sponge. Except i am not even as cool as a giant sponge. I mean, if i knew a giant sponge i would think they were awesome. I would invite it over and be all “hey Sponge dude! What’s up?!” and it would look at me and roll its eyes and then go steal food frommy kitchen. Not like stealing food is cool…it just seems like something a sponge does. It gravitates towards kitchens and therefore food. All the sponges cool friends would be allowed to use it as a trampoline. It would be described as curvy, maybe even bootylicious, bouncy, playful, surprising and just the epitome of awesomeness.

God now i am wishing i was a giant sponge. But you know…at least i have a pancreas. Hahaha! I have a complete digestive system! Sorry. Biology revision. The digestive system is pretty cool. Except the large intestine (….which is mentioned in Dune because the Fremen have larger intestines so they can absorb more water from their food because they live in a desert environment and are just that cool) which is kind of boring. My biology teacher bangs on about the liver a lot….but i still prefer the pancreas.  I never used to know what it did, i just kind of thought i had better not ask because it seemed kind of sinister…just hanging around doing stuff and me not knowing what stuff was. I guess that could be said about a lot of my internal organs.

 I know i still deep down inside think lungs are actually hollow. i just cannot accept that they look like any other hunk of meat. I would be creepy to have big hollow bags inside my body but that is my mental image and that is what i am sticking with. I also didn’t think they did stuff other than breathe- thank you wikipedia. Breathing seems like a big enough task without other stuff but nooooo. Look at them go. Well…imagine them going. Lungs are also fun to draw. I drew a suitably creepy looking one in black biro in my biology book because Hannah had stolen my pencil. I also used to like drawing diagrams of the heart with little arrows to show the blood flow. I do like annotating diagrams. I have no idea how i got to rambling about drawing hearts. I really should put some paragraph breaks in.

Much better. Still reads like a crazy person but never mind. It is now around 3:20 am.  I wish i could write essays as easilyas this. I probably use the word ‘like’ to much, which is odd because i don’t use it often when i actually speak (or at least i hope i don’t). Anyway i am sorry if you read this. My brother mentioned the other day he sometimes reads my blog (he came across it by searching “ben” “brother” “blog” etc. on google. i was about to put a smiley emote there then realised that i am suddenly feeling rather dead). I think people stumble across it thinking it might have pictures of David Tennant. I sincerely apologise.

I never even typed about the Christmas special. We all know that it was pretty bad. Very bad…Christmas specials aren’t allowed to be dark or anything. Also i never feel sympathetic for children on TV. Oh no, some stage school brats are going to get some premature wrinkles from all that frowning. Oh dear. On the plus side the lack of a companion and exclusion of Rosita (honestly. Rosita. Gah.) meant that i could amuse myself by pretending there was an awful lot of sexual tension between David Morrissey and Tennant (oh there so was. At that Christmas dinner thing Jackson Lake was totally going to get hopelessly drunk and plead the Doctor to take him with him to the TARDIS and he would follow him to the edge of the universe and beyond just to be near him….then maybe pretend that he wanted this because the Doctor had saved his life and his son’s life and wanted to repay the debt but the Doctor would totally see through this and be all “Just kiss me Jack!” and…i hope you are all tortured by that mental image forever. goodnight).

Revision has driven me insane.

GCSE mocks after the holidays. That is just mean. Meany mean mean. I have been driving myself crazy, sitting in a room with textbooks open pretending to be reading, sometimes actually reading and wishing i could be reading a book instead. I have not read Paper Towns yet! I did however finish the Dune trilogy. Majorly freaked out by the end of that. And i don’t really like Leto II. No way near as cool as Leto I or Paul! I mean yes, he is meant to be all strong and yay its great he is taking on all the pain for the eventual benefit of the universe but that is just not really something I feel comfortable with. I mean, Paul ended up failing. He decided to go into the desert and just lose his identity rather than making the terrible choice Leto did. I am cool with that, that is normal that is what most people would do. (…i just reread that and remembered no one in real life has the gift/curse of prescience or bene gesserit training and i doubt any Dukes read my blog. it would be cool if they did. It would be even cooler if it turned out i was secretly a duke and i rewarded all my readers with chocolate coins).

Also…okay SPOILERS…Leto II isn’t human by the end so i guess that is another reason we can’t relate to him. Furthermore (i just didn’t want to use the word ‘also’ again) i do not get why he has to marry his freakin’ sister. I mean…there is no point. He isn’t going to mate with her (hahahaha, i love the breeding programmes in the book. they are hilarious) and has asked Farad’n to carry on the Atreides line with her. And Farad’n is like court scribe so it isn’t like he is going to take Ghani away with him anywhere. Leto II is just wrong (and nowhere near as hot as Paul. Even Paul when he is the Preacher with his eyes burned out is hotter than Leto II. Anyway. Leto II is like 9. I mean…you forget this because he was cognitive in the womb and acts more adult than most because of all his previous lives…god the plot looks so weird written down….yes. Basically i would just like to point out The Preacher and his sexily heretical speeches are one of the coolest things about Children of Dune). Apologies for the long bracket (i just feel i can like…type easier in brackets. If i had my way, this whole blog would just be lots of brackets (within brackers (within brackets)))

My cousin Dave and his long-term girlfriend (they should get married! they would have probably the coolest wedding ever) Emma came around to drink tea and play trivial pursuit. (Which is actually what my uncle Ralph did the day before they came. Family time!). I actually had no idea they had gone to Peru which sounded awesome. I talk about Dave a lot to my friends because whenever i hear he is coming round to the house i have always een like “yaaay! Cousin Dave!” because he used to play with us on the Nintendo and play us Cardiac CDs…he is just really nice. Into conspiracy theories and slightly pessimistic and paranoid (only slightly- besides he can totally laugh at himself about it) but just nice.

however today has been filled with learning about not nice people. Thank you history. It has been all STALINHITLERMUSSOLINIOTHERBADGUYS and trying to relearn all these dates and things. And going slightly insane. i mean…i had forgotten about how much i like to draw Hitler. I know that sounds weird but sometimes in history when it comes to talking about World War II it gets a bit boring because we do stuff about it like every year and my dad and uncle recount to me every tiny detail and then make me watch all these documentaries and films about it…so i end up drawing stick figures of Hitler just to amuse myself. Also it does actually help to quickly remind me of things when flicking through my book. Really, ever since i drew this self portrait in art years ago and before i drew all my hair someone pointed out that if you drew in the moustache it looked like Hitler…i have been trying to draw him ever since. It is impossible. Once you accidentally draw Hitler (i don’t look like Hitler by the way, i guess i am just awful at drawing myself) you can never draw him again. I have drawn him as foodstuff (notably as a potato and a gingerbread man. He looks best as a potato). So yeah. That was weird to admit. Actually if people looked through stuff i have written and drawn other the years they would just think i am insane.

(Insane AND a Duke?! I wish someone would make a comic about all my potential lives).

Lots of Awesome!

Note: This was written on christmas day and i thought i had published it but noooo….

Yays…i am recovering very slowly. I ate a crazy amount of food. That isn’t exactly a surprise, also in every single biology lesson since late November we have been talking about how much we are going to eat during Christmas (because were studying enzymes and the digestive system etc.). We had: Turkey, sweet potato with oranges, parsnips with spices in some kind of sauce, roasted chestnuts with brussel sprouts, pigs in a blanket, roast potatoes and carrots, stuffing, pork and apricot balls, peas, corn pudding and…i think that is it. Topped off with crazy homemade gravy. I am very worried about what is going to happen when i have to try and make christmas dinner.

Presents! I feel like such an awesome nerdfighter! I received 13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson (who i have met, she is lovely and funny), Let it Snow which is a collection of 3 stories by John Green, Maureen again and Lauren Myracle aaaand….Paper Towns! By John Green! There is a big picture of him on the back! It is the yellow version! :):):):) Also more books: Memoirs of my Melancholy Whores and Love in a Time of Cholera both by Gabriel García Márquez, The Book Thief by Markus Zusak (i have been meaning to read this for ages) and David Golder by Irène Némirovsky. Also kinda randomly i got a Doctor Who funfax. For like…7 year olds. Oh well. I also get the third series of Doctor Who on DVD! Yays! Sexy time with Tennant and Simm! Music wise i got Want II by Rufus Wainwright, Santogold by…Santogold and a Classic FM selection of Opera Arias and Duets (because it wouldn’t be christmas without something random from my parents). And a new MP3 player! It isn’t an iPod which is kinda…what i wanted but didn’t expect to get. But oh well its still an MP3 player and is kinda cute and pebble shaped. Also a cute pair of earrings and this adorable necklace which is a teeny envelope which you can open and it has a little thing inside which says I Love You on it.

My family are all happy with their gifts. Ben with GTA4, the whole of The Mighty Boosh, some retroness etc., Nathaniel with seasons 5 and 6 of ER and some funky clothes, my father with some CDS and books and my mother has a lovely edwardian buckle bracelet and my father surprised her with some Prada perfume.

Christmas was just very nice. I was actually up at midnight and ran from room to room to wish everyone merry christmas. We were all up because we had been Skype-ing with relatives in America. Because the family just discovered webcams so we were chatting to my grandparents (who had meatloaf on Christmas Eve…which is weird) my aunt and uncle and cousin Zoë. That was kind of fun, though now everyone in the family knows i am a Dune fangirl. I finished Dune Messiah- I am very veryannoyed at you Paul Atriedes. Actually i am kind of annoyed at everyone. I still love them to pieces, but honestly. So i started the third one. I am not very keen about this…people being born fully cognitive thing. kinda creepy.

 I also tried to watch the film- like 15 minutes in and i just wanted to go back in time and stop it from ever happening! But apparently that is what everyone involved in the project thought as well so…i just feel sorry for them. (Plus it has Patrick Stewart in it. Plus the then very young Kyle MacLachlan, i.e Orson in Desperate Housewives, looks cute. I mean, he wouldn’t be if he wasn’t playing Paul Atreides, but still. As it stands, he is cute.). That filllm! “Oh- i am like super logical and have amazing mental abilities…this means i also have incredibly huge eyebrows”. And to replace the whole Bene Gesserit training with “Weirding Modules” because they thought it would become like some kung-fu movie?! Paul and Jessica etc….they don’t really do that much fighting. I mean, not enough to make it a kung-fu movie. Everyone else does the fighting for them really. They use their powers to you know…control people with their voices (which is why deaf mutes feature in the book! sorry. just like to point that out), determine if people are telling the truth, they have been trained to notice the teeniest details, can control their internal organs and body chemistry (kinda reminds me of The Doctor) and creepily enough can control their menstrual cycle and determine the gender of their child. Given all that they can do, i don’t think they needed to have telepathy in the film. my main complaint however, seeing as i only watched the first 15 minutes, was the horrible horrible creepily over-American voice over. Oh. my. God. But yeah, it is Christmas and i am ranting about Dune. I should be reading Children of Dune!

Merry Christmas everyone.

(p.s, i got like…Swedish rootbeer in my stocking. I will tell you how it tastes. And chocolate coins! I love eating chocolate coins. One of them has JFK on it. And a Terry’s Chocolate Orange! And best of all…a Lindt Reindeer! It jingles and makes me happy).

Help!

Okay! People! If it is still December 17th 2008 when you are reading this (*wonders if people in future years will ever stumble across this blog…hello future people!*) go to YouTube! Search Project for Awesome 208 and comment comment comment! Its all for a good cause! It is a project run by the Nerdfighting community to raise awareness of charities and, hopefully, will take over youtube like it did in 2007! John and Hank (um…the head honchos of Nerdfighteria) are giving away $1000 each dollars to the charity sponsored by their favourite video. Plus you get to use audio preview on your comments- i love that. Its so fun.

Might do a real blog later! Go! Go comment! (to future people: maybe you should just go and give money to charity. unless that no longer exists in the future. i’ve been reading Dune and i keep getting mixed up with reality and just  like…wanting to be the Kwisatz Haderach. except I’m not a man, so i would have to settle for being a concubine. more on me and my possible future concubine career later.)

(okay…i keep editing this post to avoid doing work. i have french mock orals tomorrow and history homework and all i want is to blog, daydream and comment on youtube! and you know…read Dune. just again and again in the hopes i made a mistake and some stuff just you know NEVER HAPPENED AT ALL! IT WAS A TRICK! but i doubt it. i mean, Paul would totally know. but anyway- if you too are avoiding work check out this really cute page: http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/the_nonexpert/does_she_love_you.php)

Morning Sunshine!

Huh. It is around 6 in the morning and yet i am awake! it is like i am some kind of superhero who…can function without sleep. The reason being i went to the Royal Opera House to see Les Contes d’Hoffmann (starring Rolando Villazon as Hoffmann) which was oh so amazing. The three main female singers (Hoffmanns three loves;Olympia the mechanical doll, Giulietta the courtesan and Antonia the amazing singer) were actually amazing. Particularly Olympia who just sang so high and managed to hold those notes for so long it was actually incredible, and Giulietta gets to sing The Barcarolle which is one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever.  In one of the saddest films ever, Life is Beautiful, this is the piece of music which Guido and Dora both love and he plays it loudly out of a window whilst in the concentration camp in the hopes that she will hear it. I did like Villazon, but i think that is more because i have some mad literary crush on the real Hoffmann(um…well actually I’m in love with Hoffmann’s alter ego thingy Johannes Kriesler…). I obviously know nothing about opera, but sometimes his voice just didn’t seem powerful enough. He does have an amazing stage presence though and yeah, how could you fail to love this adorable mexican guy jumping around singing?

So anyway, i come home….and its my brothers birthday party and for some reason they are all watching the sequel to the film we watched at my brother’s last birthday party- Reeker 2. Oh my god Reeker and Reeker 2 are such awful films. Last year, we had to go on wikipedia and watch all the extras to work out what the hell it was about. Basically, in both films people get into an accident in the middle of nowhere. They get transported into a parallel universe. In the real world they are already dead, but if they survive for one night in the parallel world they will be saved. They are killed by “Reeker”…um yeah no idea how it works but basically you can tell when hes arriving because he stinks (this is meant to be a really scary horror film by the way)…and the “Reeker” will kill you in the way you are killed in the real world…but kinda weirder. Like, this guy in the real world gets shot in the head. Reeker drills a hole in his head.Yeah, its actually hilarious because it is so awful.

We then watched Silence of the Lambs which is actually really good. (*Spoiler alert*) Though i am a bit disappointed with the whole actual story behind the name “Silence of the Lambs”. Oh no, young girl sees lambs getting slaughtered when she is ten. Is subsequently scarred for life. Which was a shame because Jodie Foster was great. But nobody beats Anthony Hopkins. Best. Crazy. Psychopath. Cannibal. Ever. The thing is how we get drawn into liking him, trusting him, then he kills those two guards and escapes and we were like “oh god i forgot he was crazy”. Oh- since when was Erica Hahn (from Greys Anatomy…real name…don’t actually know) in Silence of the Lambs?! I had no idea! I was just “Oh my god! Its Erica from Greys! I hated that bitch!”. But still, i obviously did not want her to get turned into part of a real-skin-body-suit-thingy. I would feel quite bad about playing that role, because there is the whole thing that his victims had to be quite fat. Anyway. It is good, i was creeped out, entertained, surprised…all in all very awesome.

(There was an interlude here, where we all went out into the conservatory to light up. we must have looked so pathetic, huddled up in duvets in my awful consevatroy passing around spliffs)

Then Little Miss Sunshine. Despite all the rave review i had never seen the film before and i think it found a good balance between plain weird and amusing. The pageant scene, with the dance to Superfreak; Genius. Pure genius.

Okay- i am amazingly tired. But yes, it was a good day all in all. I can now play Teenage Kicks on my guitar. Yays. Night/Morning.

I am Dracula; and I bid you welcome

It is 1:19 am and i have just finished reading Dracula. I will talk of it later as i promised to speak of Hamlet…which all seems like some crazy dream. Was i really ever in the same room as my beloved David Tennant? Listening to him? Pervingon him through binoculars? Yeah…seeing as we had seats in the uppermost balcony I took some binoculars which proved to be very useful as i couldn’t see his face clearly without them and with them managed to observe all sorts of delightful details.

I didn’t like it so much at the beginning. Tennant strides in and everyone is like “yays! OMG!” but then he just goes to crouch in a corner. Honestly. And his voice is all posh and he isn’t so good at being sad (except at the funeral of Ophelia, which would be better if he wasn’t wearing that stupid beanie hat). But then as soon as Hamlet gets to act crazy- that is when Tennant is at his best. He is so fun to watch, and there is nothing sexier than David Tennant duct-taped to a swivel chair. He is adorable, bouncing, crawling even, all over the stage. He also looks very good with a gun. And when dying. Me and my friends did a full analysis of the various outfit changes. And despite having creepy feet (binoculars FTW! Sorry Mr Tennant that must be so weird for you. 15 year old girls perving on your feet with binoculars. Flee to the hills!)  he looks very good with no shoes, a tuxedo, and a jauntily angled crown. I could rave about him all night.

The play itself…uh…Patrick Stewart was very good as Claudius but not so good as the ghost. Some of it was baffling due to cuts in the script which, as i have already mentioned, had to be explained to me by my father. The scenes with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were nicely comical. I developed some weird hatred for Polonius because his voice was extremely annoying (though this may be because i love Tennant’s voice and Stewart’s voice has always been a source of comfort and amusement for me). Overall, the play seemed a bit muddled and unsure. Still extremely amusing and i enjoyed watching it…but yeah. Also Hamlet something by father quotes extensively so every few minutes i would be thinking “oooh…so thats where it comes from”. Funnily enough, Dracula also has some quotes from Hamlet.

Okay- i love Dracula. Love! Love! I think maybe by the end is was running out of steam, though that could have just been me being very tired. Though it was nice you know, to read about real vampires (…well…not real…i will explain). It is just with the release of the Twilight movie and with a new social group in my form having latched onto the craze i am sick and tired of hearing about Edward Cullen. Dracula has an interesting array of powers and weaknesses. And he certainly doesn’t  play fucking baseball. He isn’t ridiculously sentimental. He isn’t so pathetic as to only eat animals. He drinks human blood and he is man enough (vampire enough?) to admit that he likes it, he wants it, and he is going to damn well get it. (sorry- just to note that on wikipedia Dracula is called a “villain”. I don’t really think he is, for actually when the men drive a knife through his heart etc. and he crumbles to dust he is no longer evil. Same with Lucy- he true soul is free to go to heaven since she is no longer a vampire. Besides. He isn’t that evil. I think he is a some points quite nice). Sorry. I shouldn’t compare the two just because they both have vampires in. One is an awesome gothic novel, the other a teenage girl masturbation aid. It would be interesting to kind of mix the two, maybe at some point in the twilight film Robert Pattinson could be replaced by Christopher Lee as Dracula and then we could all sit back and laugh as Bella gets her comeuppance for being so annoying and whiney.

 Dracula is  told through the letters and diary entries of more than one person and contains some interesting characters such as Renfield who is so creepy and chilling and then at some moments heart-warming. I was genuinely upset when he died and then you know,  never gets mentioned again. Seriously, i want the guy to have his own spin off novel. Maybe explaining how he ended up in a lunatic asylum, his early life, how he got into his zoophagus ways…okay, according to the internet that is how you spell the word. But basically it means that he eats over living things. He starts with collecting flies which he eats, then feeding them to spiders when he eats. He then feeds the spiders to sparrows and then begs to be given a cat which presumably he was also going to eat . But he never gets a cat and his interest in eating creatures comes and goes. What would have eaten the cat? Like…a really big dog? Maybe the wolves at the zoo.

Oh- also in the book they use the term “air-bleb”, meaning bubble. Isn’t that awesome?

Hamlet!

!!!1!!! Hamlet!!!! Have just come back from seeing Hamlet! With David Tennant! Me, Him in the same room! Breathing the same air! God it was amazing. I could just blog blog blog all night about how much i love him, and what he wore, maybe you know a bit about the actual play, Patrick Stewart (love his voice!), more Tennant, god how much i love him…and bread. Sorry i have just been feeling an awful lot of love for read recently. Bread is great. As is Tennant. The play as a whole wasn’t so good…like at the end Fortinbras came in and just didn’t say anything and so it looked a bit random because i actually had no idea who he was and had this explained to me by my english-teacher father on the train home. But anyway. More tomorrow! Today in fact! Probably. Maybe. Just trying to store away as many memories as possible…like a camel does with fat. It could be like a big memory hump on my brain. Or you know…not. I would like to be a camel though, i am pretty sure me and Hannah were talking recently about me becoming a thief and a murderer with a camel being my getaway-cartransportvehicle animal.

I am…hating Sasha Fierce

According to my dear friend Mr Wikipedia, the story of The Lion King is (très loosely obviously) based on Hamlet. Bleh? Bleh! Since when? But i can forgive the creator because he wrote…The Brave Little Toaster. Oh. My. God. Thomas M. Disch is a man after my own heart! Lampy (a…Lamp) , Blanky (an electric blanket), Radio (a fridge. not), Hoover (a hooverlicious hoover. yes i said hooverlicious. I have history coursework on FDR, i am allowed to go a little weird about Presidents…not like i don’t do that anyway..ellipsis- i use them too much…) and Toaster (you’re sick of these distracting brackets aren’t you?) on a quest to find their owner- referred to as “The Master”. Which is weird, but reminds me of Doctor Who so ultimately its all good. Now, i have never read this book or seen the films, but i am feeling an awful lot of love right now. Because i love inanimate objects (particularly kitchen appliances) and have actual once written a short story about a man (called Adam, just so i could make a bible joke) who is friends can hear inanimate objects talking. I think he knows it isn’t real, but if he stopped hearing them then he would go insane (well, more insane). Like he talks to his kettle and his wallet…some of them don’t talk. But they make noises. Mwee hee hee. Anyway, he falls in love with a radiator (inspired by and named after Hannah). Anyway…um, yeah. I guess that’s a weird thing to admit to writing. But i really enjoyed it. Because i talk to inanimate objects and people in my head and yes, this is starting to worry me.

But hey- you know who has been creeping me out recently? Beyoncé, Seriously, the video for Single Ladies (put a ring on it) is dead scary. With her crazy muscular thighs, the Terminator-esque bionic hand and of course the fast-paced dance moves, i swear at some point she looks like she is pretending to be a teapot (I’m a little teapot short and stout…) and the hands-on-hip-running-in-high-heels was just very very Roadrunner (or maybe that was just me. don’t get me wrong, i love Roadrunner but i wouldn’t mind seeing Wiley Coyote just take a big bite out of him. and Roadrunner would be like “oh no you didn’t!” and Coyote would just be able to swagger away all cool whilst the smug bastard bleeds to death…) Also i swear her face has changed! Changed!!! What happened to really cool and bootylicious Beyoncé? I mean, that evil grin at the end! Speaking as a fan of evil grins–it is awful. Really bad. Maybe because you just can’t take  I mean come on- the song seriously so you can’t take her “ooh i am just so independent and evil!” act very seriously either. And how come she gets an alter ego? I am so mad at her and “Sasha Fierce” and oh my god what kind of name is that for an alter ego?  An alter ego who needs a bionic arm…honestly. It is apparently her “sensual and aggressive” side. Wait- isn’t Beyoncéalready very sensual and when need be aggressive? This Sasha Fierce thing just comes across as a very bad joke and complete over indulgence. Why introduce some alter ego now anyway when Sasha Fierce was “born” in 2003? I mean…what is with that? Why does she even need a strictly-for-stage alter ego? Is it just a stunt to keep things fresh and make her appear more interesting? You aren’t David Bowie! I don’t know why this makes me annoyed so much, lots of singers etc. take on alter egos. Christina Auguleira (X-Tina), Mariah Carey (Mimi, funnily enough this used to be the name of one of my old alter egos.) Britney (Mona Lisa), Janet Jackson (Damita Do…hahahaha), heck even Norah Jones has a freakin’ alter ego (as Maddie- lead singer of punk rock group El Madmo who i have just myspaced and rather like actually). Maybe its because i actually used to like Beyonce because as i always thought she didn’t (always) act like a vain, stupid, party girl and you know that was nice. It was nice. And so i am pissed off she wants to feel a bit bad-ass or somehow “out there” and maybe she does really feel she needs an alter ego but it all seems so pointless (you could point out that having a massive rant about it is also pointless). And when will people realise doing things in black and white is not really that new or exciting or necessary especially since If I Were a Boy was also in black and white (yeah, i can’t get my camera to take pictures in monochrome-damnation)?.